But I Know How to Gamble

By Anonymous.

6:45am: Grab a cab to JFK, Jim passes out, drools on the leather, Tony whines about his fat secretary who won’t put out, pays. $0.

7:15am: Make it through security, sweaty Greek man gives me a pat down, easy tiger, packet of gum, duty free of Gauloises. -$45.

8:05am: Board flight AA1608 to LVS. Listen to Tony talk about Tasha in HR and the fucker she’s dating now, and Christ you should see his hair since he looks like he got dunked in sump grease. $0.

8:40am: Take-off. Bet with Tony that the stewardess is South American, not Mexican. She’s from Ecuador. +$50.

8:48am: Go double or nothing on the Asian steward. -$100.

9:40am: Tony orders the first drinks of the day, shitmuncher grin, “Thanks honey.” Jim snores, shakes like a motor. $0.

11:00am (PDT): Touch down in Vegas. Tony belts out a yipeekiyay mothafucka, mimes machine gun fire, gawks at silicone implants, jockeys for the airport bar. Round of celebratory shots. Rock, paper, scissors, I pay. -$21 (with tip).

11:22am: Cab to MGM Grand, give Jim shit for being so tight and sleeping through the trip and if he keeps that up he’s going to miss all the fun. Says the kid’s got colic and thank Christ the in-laws can take him for the weekend. Thank fuck for in-laws. $0.

11:46am: Check-in. -$848 for two nights (three ways), Tony shunts Jim onto the sofa bed and takes his pants off. -$282.

12:19pm: Lunch at the pool bar. Chicken quesadilla, pitcher of margaritas, two rounds of tequila shots. Jim and I talk about home and next weekend we should get the kids together and head to the marina. Tony sulks and gazes at the horizon but I know he’s looking at the hen party that just rolled in. -$63.

12:51pm: The well vodka’s fucking horrendous, strap on a pair and pull out the Amex, Jim. $0.

1:30pm: Black Jack. Dealt a king and an eight. Hold. +$300.

1:48pm: Pair of nines. You always double down on a pair of nines. -$260.

2:59pm: King and an ace. You’re goddamn Rain Man tonight. +$430.

3:54pm: Go red on roulette. -$200.

3:55pm: Go red on roulette. -$200.

3:56pm: Go. Red. On. Fucking. Roulette. -$380.

4:11pm: Fuck this shithole. $0.

4:44pm: Watch Tony lose a grand at five-card stud, “At least I have some fucking balls, Jim.” Feeling better. Jim picks up $20 at the slots. Good for Jim. $0.

5:23pm: Irish car bombs and amaretto sours and Tony toasts “mutts, all of us haha.” -$48.

6:51pm: Surf and Turf at The Grill. Jim ducks out, and “No don’t put him on, honey, he’s can’t talk yet.” -$53.

8:13pm: Go red on roulette. -$230.

8:14pm: Go black on roulette. -$160.

9:00pm: Get dealt a jack and a seven. Hold? Hold. -$300.

9:16pm: Queen and a ten. Dealer gets a ten and an ace. Bastard. -$330.

9:57pm: Tony drops $800—“Shut the fuck up Jim, what so you think since you’ve earned enough to buy a pack of fucking HubbaBubba you’re a fucking big shot?”—This place is a goddamn dive. The Venetian’s supposed to be ten times better. $0.

10:48pm: Throw in a couple quarters at the slots. Pays out on the first try. I’m getting the touch. Tony: “See that, Jim? See? Told you this place was the business.” +$46.

10:52pm: Jim’s dealt twenty-one, awkward uncle wedding dance, cashes in. Tony fidgets. $0

10:53: “Let’s get a fucking drink if we’re staying at this slum. That ok, Jim? Or, do we need to call Harriet for permission again. Fuck I thought this was a boys’ weekend.” $0.

10:55pm: Fuck it let’s get well gin this time, I can’t taste any more. And if Tony doesn’t shut up about his secretary I’m calling it a night. -$18.

11:09pm: Let’s get out of here. I swear to god that bastard in the Panama hat is palming cards. -$380.

11:28pm: Grab a cab to the Wynn. Jim grabs one home and says something like, “guys I’m beat/feeling under the weather/have a ton of work to get done before Monday/wouldn’t be much fun anyway. Hit up the slots for me haha.” -$11.

11:31pm: “God Jim can be such a prick sometimes, don’t you think? Fuck him. Guy doesn’t know how to have fun.” $0.

11:42pm: “First round’s on me, let’s get loose haha. Right? Christ I’m glad you’re here. I’ve been needing this.” $0.

11:48pm: Take out reserve cash from second wallet. +$500.

11:52pm: “Yeah we can head to the table in just a second, just let me catch myself here for a second. Fuck! Someone turn off this goddamn merry-go-round I feel like a vinyl.” $0.

11:53pm: “Dammit let me get to the bathroom, I feel like shit.” Me too. Suede. -$90.

11:59pm: “Aw fuck I’m glad that’s out of me. You think the shellfish was bad? Fucking Jim…never let Jim pick the place the cheap bastard. That guy, he…he doesn’t know what for shit he’s got. I mean how the fuck did Jim stumble in to that? Tripped on his own feet and landed in bliss. Bastard. I’m right, don’t say I’m not. Oh come here, I love you, you son of a bitch.” $0.

12:12am: Back at it. Don’t go red on roulette. Get me a drink. Another one.  -$418.

12:18am: Get me back to the bathroom how do I get out of this place why the hell is the panama hat back where’s the hotel from here who’s talking? $0.

12:18am: “Aw Honey, bad night? You look like thunder. C’mon give us a smile, honey. Relax. You’re on vacation, right?” $0.

12:34am: Cab ride to envy and the cabbies got cab calloway on, and teresas whispering is she is or is she aint my baby and running her fingers along my palm, and then she says something about the way this crease merges and tapers off, and that’s luck, and its vacation so ill believe her. -$16.

12:58am: teresa orders a mango mojito and I have a Hendrickss and tonic and then another and shes in front of me laughing and her smile is straight and white and her lips are wet and I laugh too but I cant remember being funny and Jesus where are tony and jim? -$48.

1:38am: im in the bathroom and teresas got powder. $0.

2:32am: atm withdrawal. +$500.

3:03am: teresa. -$500.

1:04pm: Wake up. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. $0.

1:36pm: Room service. $28.


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